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Jokes
The patient awakened after
the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds
drawn.
"Why are all the blinds
closed?" she asked her doctor.
"Well," the surgeon
responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street,
and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation
had failed."
"Doctors at a hospital in
Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials
say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon
as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket
signs!"
Ponder This:
The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that,
while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows
the answer is 4, but it worries him.
Prescriptive compliance:
A woman in Arkansas brought
her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away
the baby had an ear ache. He wrote a prescription for ear
drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right
ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R
with a circle around it. Several days passed, and the woman
returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had
an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy
with all those drops of oil. The doctor looked at the bottle
of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the
following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear
every four hours."
A man goes to the doctor and
says to the doctor:"It hurts when I press here" (pressing
his side) "And when I press here" (pressing the other
side)"And here" (his leg)
"And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms) So
the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what
was wrong... "You've got a broken finger!
A man who had died suddenly
in his sleep awakened to find himself in heaven. Being
disoriented but curious, he began to walk around taking in
the wondrous sights. He marveled at the pearly gates, as
well as the streets paved with gold. After a while he felt
hungry and asked one of the other occupants where he might
find something to eat and was directed to the cafeteria.
When he arrived he found a line a mile long and took his
place at the end.
The line was progressing very
slowly when a limo pulled up in front and discharged a man
with a great beard and carrying two stone tablets who went
in ahead of everyone else. The fellow became angry and
tapped the person in front of him on the shoulder and asked
who that is? The person in front of him replied that it was
Moses the bringer of law. This satisfied the fellow for the
present.
A short while later another
limo pulled up and discharged a fellow wearing robes and
carrying a staff who also went in ahead of the rest. The
fellow again was irritated and asked the person in front of
him who that arrival was, and was told that it was St.
Jerome a patriarch and very important! This also satisfied
the fellow for a short time.
After a time a sports car
pulled up in front and a man carrying a black bag went in
ahead of the rest, which infuriated the poor fellow who
asked in exasperation, just who the hell is that? This time
the line answered in unison, "Oh, that's God, but he thinks
he is a doctor!"
The CEO of a large HMO dies
and goes to heaven. St. Peter shows him to a lovely villa,
wonderful music, great views, full staff of servants,
gourmet meals, etc.
The CEO says, "This is
terrific!"
"Don't get too comfortable,"
says St. Peter. "You're only approved for a three-day stay."
Doctor Vs. Mechanic
Morris was removing some
engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the
famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing
off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris,
somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey
DeBakey...Is that you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit
surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car.
Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said
argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy doctor, look at this work. I
also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when
I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you
get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the
same work?"
DeBakey, very
embarrassed, walked away and said softly, to Morris,
"Try doing your work with the engine running."
Hospital Cost Cutting Measures
To: All Hospital Staff
From: Administration/Grounds keeping
Date: March 23, 2000
Re: New Cost Cutting Measures
Effective April 1 this hospital will no longer provide
security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber
revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12
rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In addition to
routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the
patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet
will be provided for patrolling the park areas. In light of
the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take
over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary
will be responsible for watching cardiac and security
monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.
Food
service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed
will need to let their families know to bring something, or
may make arrangements with Subway, Domino's, etc., before
meal time. Coin-operated phones will be available in the
patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls
the patient may wish to make.
Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops
will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus
providing range-of-motion exercise as well as a clean
environment. Families of ambulatory patients may also sign
up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special
discounts for their final bill. Time cards will be provided.
As you
can see in the "FROM" line above, administration is assuming
grounds keeping duties. If an administrator cannot be
reached by calling his/her office it is suggested that you
walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed
whacker, etc.
Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed
to the TIME_LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books.
These books can be checked out from administration, and a
toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We
will be receiving the series at the rate of one volume every
other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but
if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it
as best you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by
only performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are
already bleeding.
Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than
two x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround
time required by Revco's photo-lab. Two prints will be
provided for the price of one, and physicians are being
advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want
extra sets. Revco's will honor competitor's coupons for
one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come
across any coupons, please clip them and send them to the
ER.
In
light of the extremely hot summer temperature the electric
company has been asked to install individual meters in each
patient room, office, etc., so that the electrical
consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans
will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift
shop.
In
addition to the current recycling program, a bin for the
collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided
on each floor. Families, patients and the few remaining
employees are encouraged to contribute discarded produce.
The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the pharmacy
for nosocomial production of antibiotics. The antibiotics
will also be available for purchase through the hospital
pharmacy and will, coincidentally, soon be the only
antibiotics listed in the HMO's formulary.
A genie
gave three physicians one wishes each. The first physician
said, "I'm already the smartest pediatrician in the world,
but I'd like to be 25% smarter."
Poof! The pediatrician became 25% smarter.
The
second physician said, "I'm already the smartest neurologist
in the world, but I'd like to be 50% smarter."
Poof! The genie made the neurologist 50% smarter.
The
third physician told the genie, "I'm not only the smartest
surgeon in the world, but I'm also the smartest person. But,
just to be sure, I'd like you to make me 100% smarter."
"This is the third and final wish," the genie said. "If I
fulfill your wish, I can't change you back."
"Just make me 100% smarter," the surgeon demanded.
"Okay,"
said the genie. Poof! "You're a nurse practitioner!!"
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