A site of Dr. Pankaj Desai

Bad Eating Habits
A mother complained to her consultant about her daughter’s strange eating habits.
–“All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?”
–“Eventually,” said the consultant, “she will rise and shine.”

Cosmetic Surgery
A sign on a cosmetic surgery clinics says:
“If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons.”

Healthy Living Tips
Question: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
Answer: Only if you aim it well enough.

What’s The Best Type Of Doctor?
The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can’t ask his patients what is the matter – he’s got to just know.
– Will Rogers

What a Spectacle
Q: Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine?
A: He made a spectacle of himself

Proctology:
A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future very secure. So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic.

Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%. Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high.

“Well”, said the teacher, “The first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe.”

Funny One-Liners
This is a collection of funny one-liners, exactly as typed by medical secretaries:
• Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
• The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
• Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
• Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• While in ER, Eva was examined, X-rated and sent home.
• Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
• Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
• Mrs. Evans slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
• Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Jones, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
• The patient refused autopsy.
• The patient has no previous history of suicides.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
• Examination of genitalia has revealed that he is circus-sized.
• Patient was found in bed with her power mower.
• She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.

Medical Puns
• Artery: The study of fine paintings
• Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria
• Barium: What doctors do when patients die
• Catscan: Searching for kitty
• Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
• Coma: A punctuation mark.
• D&C: Where Washington is
• Enema: Not a friend
• ER: The things on your head that you hear with
• Fester: Quicker than someone else
• Genes: Blue denim slacks
• G.I. Series: World Series of military baseball
• Hemorrhoid: A male from outer space
• Impotent: Distinguished, well-known
• Medical Staff: A doctor’s cane
• Morbid: A higher offer than I bid
• Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
• Organ Transplant: What you do to your piano when you move
• Outpatient: A person who has fainted
• Pap smear: Making fun of Dad
• Pathological: A reasonable way to go
• Pharmacist: Person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
• Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis
• Post-Operative: A letter carrier
• Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery
• Rectum: Almost killed him
• Red Blood Count: Dracula
• Secretion: Hiding something
• Seizure: Roman Emperor
• Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
• Thorax: A Dr. Seuss character
• Triple Bypass: Better than a quarterback sneak
• Tumor: More than one, an extra pair
• Varicose: Nearby/close by
• Vein: Conceited

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the labouring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

“Hit him again,” the child said. “He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!!”

Sharon was taken to the doctor because she was putting on weight. Her mother, a somewhat overbearing woman, told the doctor all about it, poor Sharon was not allowed to say a word despite being a young woman of 15 years.
After a long monologue from her mother about how it must be her glands, the doctor examined Sharon and was able to make the diagnosis.

“Well,” said the doctor, “I’m afraid that the reason why Sharon is putting on weight is that she is PREGNANT.”
“Nonsense,” said Sharons mother, “you’re wrong, you’ve obviously made a mistake. Such a thing is just not possible. Sharon would never do anything like that, she doesn’t know anything about such things.” Turning to Sharon she boomed at her daughter, “Isn’t that so?” Poor Sharon could only shake her head in abject agreement.

The doctor said nothing. He just washed his hands, walked to the window and stared intently into the evening sky.
“Well, doctor, have you nothing to say? Are you just going to stare out the window? bellowed Sharons mum.

The doctor quietly replied that he was looking for something, because the last time that this had happened a new star had arisen in the East and three wise men on camels had come looking for the fortunate mother and child.

While the Obstetrician is awaiting third stage after a delivery:

Husband: Dr, when can we resume sexual intercourse?

Obstetrician: Well, it is customary to wait until after the placenta is delivered.

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.

“Please, you have to come right over,” pleaded the distraught young mother. “My child has swallowed a contraceptive.”

The physician dressed quickly; but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.

“You don’t have to come over after all,” the woman said with a sigh of relief. “My husband just found another one.”

A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling “Puta! Puta! Puta!”.

At this, the grandmother started to cry and the babies father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was “Puja!” (Push!).

Instead, he was saying “Whore! Whore! Whore!”.

Baby Birth

Teenage daughter to mother - 'Mom what is it like having a baby"

Mom - "umm....It's kinda of hard...it is like trying to pass a watermelon through a keyhole."

Painless labour for mom and dad!

A lady and her husband, who went to the hospital to give birth to their child, heard of a new technology from the doctor, which would transfer the labour pain from the mother to the father.

The couple were both excited and very much in favour of it. The doctor however said that, to start with, he would transfer only 10% of the pain, as even that small amount of pain would be too much for the father. They agreed and the doctor started the transfer.

The father did not show any signs of pain as the doctor kept increasing the amount of transfer. The transfer was complete at one stage with 100% pain transferred to the father. The father was comfortable even at that stage and the mother delivered the baby. The couple left the hospital with the baby, literally painless and ecstatic, only to return home and find the mailman dead on the porch!

The Story of the Chinese Obstetrician

The Chinese in early 50's were going through a big baby boom period and the doctors were over-stretched. They devised a way of avoiding repeated visits by would be mothers. This is how the story goes:

A young Chinese woman, three months pregnant went to see her local government obstetrician doctor who was very busy, his compounder saw her and asked her to quickly bare her tummy. He then reached into his desk and took out a rubber stamp, which he pressed below her navel and asked the young lady to go home.

At home, she and her curious husband tried to read the tiny Chinese words printed on her belly, but they were too small. They then got a magnifying glass and tried to read the words; the stamp read: "When your husband can read this without the magnifying glasses, it's time to come to the hospital."

Obstetrician's wife

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, oversexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband. But it was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.

At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"

Wrong one

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

Miss-Diagnosis

A man comes into the ER yelling, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"
The ER physician, desperate to help the lady, grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and just finishes jerking off her underwear when he looks at the lady's shocked face. The physician then realizes his blunder and turns pink with embarrassment - There were several cabs lined up and obviously he was in the wrong one!

I have good news and bad news

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

Is she feeling any better?

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?

Nurse: No change yet.

What should I do then?

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?

Doctor: Sell!

The prison hospital

Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

I can't find the cause of your pain

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"

Bad temper problem

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress; I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!

Will I live any longer?

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?

Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

People are ignoring me

A patient walks into a doctor's office.

Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.

Doctor: Next!

Doctor is complaining to a mechanic

A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."

The results of the X-ray

Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?

Doctor: Absolutely nothing!

A very interesting fact

Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?

Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!
 

Get a heart transplant

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"

"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."

I've got good and bad

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.

Doctor: You have cancer; I estimate that you have about two years left.

Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?

Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

We are the best of friends

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."

You're in great health

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty.

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

Doctor: See, what I told you.

Driving exams worry me

Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!

Doctor: Don't worry about it. You'll pass eventually.

Liz: I'm the examiner!

The Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients
(In lighter vein)

1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

2. Be cheerful at all times.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.

5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.

6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.

7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care.

HILARIOUS QUOTES FROM ATUL MUNSHI

 ·         Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

·         Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

·         Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

·         It is no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another.

·         Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

·         You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

·         Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

·         Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

·         Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she will take it anyway.

·         My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

·         Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

·         Ladies first! Pretty ladies sooner!!

·         A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

·         You are getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

·         It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

·         Saving is the best thing especially when your parents have done it for you.

·         There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

 Answers in Exams by non medical student

1. Antibody - One who hates his body

2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings

3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria

4. Coma - Punctuation Mark

5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl

6. Genes - Blue Denim

7. Labour Pain - Hurt at Work

8. Liposuction - A French Kiss

9. Ultrasound - Radical Sound

 While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x- ray to a group of medical students.

“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”

The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”

A defense attorney, cross-examining a pathologist, asked, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you take the pulse?"

"Pathologist: 'No.'

"Attorney: 'Did you listen to the heart?'

"Pathologist: 'No.'

"Attorney: 'Did you check for breathing?'

"Pathologist: 'No.'

"Attorney: 'So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?'

 TEACHER: What is period?

 A patient who was suffering from a bad case of flu was outraged when he heard from the doctor's secretary that he could not get an appointment for three weeks. He bellowed, "Three weeks? The doctor can't see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!"

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make matter clearer, she said, 'Now class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face...' "Yes, "the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet"

SAY YOUR PRAYERS ONLY IN ENGLISH...

In case of an emergency, speak only in English!! Never say prayers in any other language! U never know what kind of translation problem u can run into

An Indian in the US suffered a heart attack on the road and was picked up by an ambulance. Being religious, he kept repeating - Hari Om, Hari Om, Hari Om.

When the ambulance pulled into his home, his wife came out and screamed to the paramedics: 'Why didn't you take him straight to the hospital?'

They replied "Because he kept saying,

Which is BEST feeling in the world?? ? ? ?

When u try to look at your friend and you find that your friend is already looking at you!

Location - Exam Hall

Wambua goes into a chemist, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers

it to the chemist's assistant. "Could you taste this please?" says Wambua

Patient- Doc, I'm unable to move my hands and legs

Life of a Medical Student

1st day of college- mania

Hostel food- dysphagia

Lecture hall- ptosis

Cultural- nystagmus

Seminars- palpitations

CATs- migraine

Study hall- insomnia

Exam hall- amnesia

Viva- aphasia

Day before university exam - depression

 A guy asked a girl in a library; “Do you mind if I sit beside you”?

The girl answered with a loud voice; "I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOUUU!!!”.

 All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she told him “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?"

Wife takes seriously ill husband to doctor

Doc 2 wife: Give him healthy breakfast daily... Be pleasant & in good mood. Cook tasty dinner & don't discuss your problems with him. Stop watching TV serials. Don't demand new clothes. If you do this for one year, your husband will be OK.

On way home, husband asks wife-what did doctor say?

Wife-Dr. says you will die very soon!

A man was making love to a village girl over Christmas when she realized he was not using a condom.

She asked him, "You’re not using a condom"?

Man answered, "Yes".

She said, "Hope you don't have HIV / AIDS

Man, "NO".

Side effects of alcohol.... and remedies!!!

1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.

Cause- Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the Drink on your feet).

Cure: Adjust glass until open end is facing upward.

2. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.

Cause: You're lying on the floor.

Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

3. Symptom- The floor looks blurry.

Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.

Cure: Quickly refill your glass!

4. Symptom: The floor is moving.

Cause: You're being dragged away.

Cure: At least ask where they're taking you!

5. Symptom-You hear echoes every time someone speaks.

Cause: You have your empty glass on your ear and trying to drink from it.

Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself, refill your glass and place it on your mouth.

6. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.

Cause: You're in the wrong house.

Cure -Ask if they can point you to your house.

7. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very loud and repetitive.

Cause: You're in an ambulance.

Cure - Don't move. Let the professionals do their job!!!!

A man was very worried that his wife was lately not quite the same as she used to be. So, he takes her to the doctor who runs a battery of tests on her and then calls the man into his office.

He says, "Well, I have run all the tests on your wife and have come to the conclusion that she has either AIDS or Alzheimer's disease."

The man is now shocked and upset and asks the doctor, "But doc, how will we know which one of the diseases she is suffering from?"

The doctor replies, "On your way back home, drop her off in a place about two blocks from home. If she makes it home, don't have sex with her

Five surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.

The first surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when I open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded. "

The third surgeon says: "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know I like engineers; those guys always understand if you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.....?

A young woman, two months pregnant, went to see her obstetrician. He was in a hurry to leave on an emergency call, so he asked her to quickly bare her stomach, then reached into his desk and took out a rubber stamp, which he pressed beside her navel. He then rushed off. At home, she and her husband tried to read the tiny words printed on her belly, but they were too small. They then found a magnifying glass and tried to read the words; the stamp read: "When your husband can read this without his glasses, it's time to get yourself to the hospital." 

I have good news and bad news

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

Is she feeling any better?

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?

Nurse: No change yet.

What should I do then?

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?

Doctor: Sell!

Benefits of having Alzheimer's disease

5. You never have to watch reruns on television.

4. You are always meeting new people.

3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.

2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.

1. Mysteries are always interesting.

Letters from charities

I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money.

The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer's group. Funny though, they forgot to put my street name on them!

Would you please do me a favor?

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.

Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.

I can't find the cause of your pain

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"

Bad temper problem

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!

Will I live any longer?

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?

Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

A doctor is complaining to a mechanic

A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."

Can I play the piano once these are off?

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.

"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"

"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.

"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."

Will this operation hurt me at all?

Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?

Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.

A very interesting fact

Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?

Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!
 

Get a heart transplant

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"

"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."

Do you have a solution?

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?

Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

Did you take the patient's temperature?

Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?

Nurse: No. Is it missing?

We need to help these people

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.

Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!

Nurse: What is it?

Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

My son swallowed the can opener

Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!

Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright.

Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!

We are the best of friends

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."
 

You're in great health

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty.

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

The Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients

1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.

Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

2. Be cheerful at all times.

Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.

Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.

You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.

5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.

It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.

6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.

Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.

7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.

You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.

It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.

The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care.

This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.